The beginning of the end of my anxiety

I can think with freedom. I don't have to think. I can choose to think about what I want. Yesterday I sat outside on my deck and did not think. I watched our semi-alley cats roam around around our backyard. I felt nothing.

For years, I have needed constant stimulus in order to block out the negative thoughts that ran through my head. I purchased a television set to block out my thoughts on the first day of moving into my first apartment. I would rather sleep on a hardwood floor with a blanket and a pillow than be alone with my thoughts.

For years, I could not be alone with my thoughts.

My thoughts were uncontrollable. I listened to every self empowering tape night and day. The Secret, Daily Affirmations, Positive thinking tapes, meditation tapes, relaxation tapes, anti anxiety tapes. They all worked for 30 minutes. And then the thoughts that would start creeping back in to my head. Within 2 hours, I would be back to a head full of negative thoughts.

Nights were hell. I would come home turn on the television and watch sitcoms until I fell asleep on the couch. I would wake a 12:00 am and spend the rest of the evening listening to the radio, watching television, lying in bed.