Finding happiness....is really fuckin' hard

Yesterday was the second to last game of Little League Baseball. God I love coaching baseball. I wish I could do it for living. There is nothing funner than coaching amateur sports. Especially when they are young enough that every week they can make dramatic improvements. Victor has gotten so good at batting. He hits alot of fouls but once he starts hitting the ball forward he is going to be awesome. Victor is the least competitive kid I have ever met. He doesn't care if he hits the ball or if he doesn't. He is just cool all the time. Not alot gets to him.

...and then there are his parents. Everything gets to Nadine and I. We are walking trip wires. I wish I was relaxed and calm but I am on fire all the time. I seem to have two modes. On and off. When I am on, I am overwhelming and competitive. When I am off, I am like a giant cow in the middle of the road. Good luck in pushing me to go. Not sure why I am like this. I never seem to have a put the pedal to have a cool and calm work without freaking out mode.

Well...that isn't true. I work best after or when I am excercising regularly. I need to excercise regularly. I might take some extra time off at work, but I become more efficient and easier to work with. When I don't excercise, I become a neurotic freak whose moods spike and plummet from one situation to the next. Everyone is happy with my work. WOW I FEEL GREAT! Someone pointed out something I did wrong. i want to quit. i suck. when can i leave.

I need an inbetween phase that says...work your best and go forward. Don't beat yourself up when something goes wrong. Work smart and efficiently.

That one of the problems. I am not an administrator. I am an paradigm shift. I love to attempt the new and incredible. I love bold and dramatic challenges. I love adrenaline.

However, I hate fear. I hate sleepless nights. I hate adrenaline rushes that cause me to neglect my family and health because i am working 24/7.

Could this be the balance in life?