today...

I hate developing. It takes so long to do anything useful. It takes forever to code the simplest things. You can automate anything....you just can't do it simply. I also noticed that the business world does not conform to the rules. The business does not enter in complete data but expects accurate answers.

There are not enough people to do what needs to be done.

We need to get more people, so I can stop programming and start living.

My brain is exhausted and empty from programming. I like programming as a hobby. But my brain can't think of anything incredible to do.

I am trying to find another job but all jobs suck. All jobs suck big time.

I drink too much caffeine and am not in control of my emotions

I need to drink less coffee and ignore my emotions.

I need to excercise 30 minutes a day. Everyday.

two things that don't mix

God FUCKIN DAMIT! siiiiiggh....two things that don't mix! Lots of caffeine and lots of computer problems!! I am working on a convoluted bullshit SEVERLY OVERENGINEERED application that runs on an outdated technology (ASP 1.1 vs 2003).

I can't get the stupid debugger to work. It is always shutting itself off or something! I don't know. Fuckin' Voodoo Microsoft programmers.

This I know about myself. I like to work on new technology with tons of current support.

Finding happiness....is really fuckin' hard

Yesterday was the second to last game of Little League Baseball. God I love coaching baseball. I wish I could do it for living. There is nothing funner than coaching amateur sports. Especially when they are young enough that every week they can make dramatic improvements. Victor has gotten so good at batting. He hits alot of fouls but once he starts hitting the ball forward he is going to be awesome. Victor is the least competitive kid I have ever met. He doesn't care if he hits the ball or if he doesn't. He is just cool all the time. Not alot gets to him.

...and then there are his parents. Everything gets to Nadine and I. We are walking trip wires. I wish I was relaxed and calm but I am on fire all the time. I seem to have two modes. On and off. When I am on, I am overwhelming and competitive. When I am off, I am like a giant cow in the middle of the road. Good luck in pushing me to go. Not sure why I am like this. I never seem to have a put the pedal to have a cool and calm work without freaking out mode.

Well...that isn't true. I work best after or when I am excercising regularly. I need to excercise regularly. I might take some extra time off at work, but I become more efficient and easier to work with. When I don't excercise, I become a neurotic freak whose moods spike and plummet from one situation to the next. Everyone is happy with my work. WOW I FEEL GREAT! Someone pointed out something I did wrong. i want to quit. i suck. when can i leave.

I need an inbetween phase that says...work your best and go forward. Don't beat yourself up when something goes wrong. Work smart and efficiently.

That one of the problems. I am not an administrator. I am an paradigm shift. I love to attempt the new and incredible. I love bold and dramatic challenges. I love adrenaline.

However, I hate fear. I hate sleepless nights. I hate adrenaline rushes that cause me to neglect my family and health because i am working 24/7.

Could this be the balance in life?

Write a book

Well I am going to write a book. I want to write a book. I want to be famous and wealthy and free. My sister is going to Vermont to be with my parents. We can't afford it. I feel bad. I can't do the things we used to do. Can't afford them. Isadora is trying to maintain our dwindling savings account.

I keep thinking I need to strike out on my own but then I become an independent stress bucket.

Reeve our new consultant is an independent consultant. He is a master of masking his feelings. Trying to read him. Sometimes I just think he is just lazy and sneaky. He makes $2000 a day. That's how desperate we were. If he works 11 months this year...he has made himself $440,000.

What am I doing.

If I maintain my current lifestyle and pull in $440,000...that is $140,000 more than I am currently making. $300,000 goes into savings. 3 years and I am millionaire.

I am just subsisting. Why? Because I am afraid and this life is cushy. I know I will have a job tommorrow. I know I will have a paycheck. I take a day off and get paid. As long as I am performing at an above average rate...i am fine.

Put your resume out. See if anyone bites.

Ok I am back!

Sorry about that. I started focusing on making money and building a website. Then I was moved to another section of the building...so I didn't have to deal with Snake and Fugly anymore. Life is ok. I want to be promoted in this company. What I am currently doing is boring and beneath me. Falling asleep. Hard to get motivated.

I was sick for three weeks with a cough which shutdown me and my excercise routine. I watched 38 episodes of Heroes online with Netflix. Love that show! I ordered a Roku which is supposed to show up today! Can't friggin' wait!! WHERE ARE YOU FEDEX DUDE!! We a Roku you can watch the NetFlix instant movies...of which I have acquired 263 in my queue. Alot of great foreign films. You can also rent new releases from Amazon on the Roku. COME ON FEDEX GUY!!!

I started and am still drinking...pretty much switched to Decaffeinated...finally realized it was the taste and the comfort of coffee I liked. The mood swings and energy plummet...I can do without. Nice to be in control of my paranoia and anger.

Darryl is in Rookie level little league baseball where we use a pitching machine.....yeah...ummm...Darryl sucks currently. But he will get better. He always does. All about forcing him outside to practice.

I am the coach. I yell and jump and wave my arms. The kids and parents like it....Isadora is horrified. I am obnoxious...but entertaining. With 5 year olds and baseball you have to keep them entertained...otherwise they fall asleep.

We finally got a new manager. Snake was passed over. Probably because of our infighting. Pissed her off. I don't give a fuck.

Our new manager is a Green eyed Arab...Gea. Gea is nice and calm. I told him to keep those two idiots away from me or I want out of the group. They don't come near me.

New jobs are opening. I am going to apply. Man, people have the MOST FRIGGIN' INCREDIBLE resume templates out there. I love them. I am going to use one of them. That will get their attention.

10 Things I Hate About Software Development

1. Incompetent managers. Software development managers in general graduated from being software developers. Unfortunately, the skills you need as a developer are different than the skills you need as a manager. The best manager I ever had was not a particularly good or experienced software developer. Rather, she treated management as a profession, read books on how to be an effective manager, attended seminars, took classes, and as a result, she was good at her job. But most software-developers-turned-managers don’t treat management as a profession. Instead, some of them become telepaths, who expect you to know what they need without actually telling you; others become micromanagers, who expect to be able to do all the actual development themselves, using your eyes and hands and brain; still others become arguers, the worst of both worlds, who instead of letting you do your job, take great pride in pointing out everything they think you did wrong. So the next software job I take, I will be interviewing and trying managers carefully to make sure they know how to manage, regardless of whether they are good developers.

2. Snotty developers. I must confess to going through a snotty phase myself. It’s part of growing up. You have to live as a snot-nosed, young-whippersnapper, green-behind-the-ears code slinger before you can mature into a wizened Yoda figure. In fact, part of me still may be a snotty developer. I’m definitely snotty when it comes to my own work, because I don’t want anyone telling me how it should be done, as long as I achieve the intended results. But as someone who’s been doing this shtick for 20-something years, I’ve grown weary of junior colleagues telling me I don’t know what I’m talking about. And when something doesn’t work out as well as they thought it should, they persistently maintain that it had nothing to do with them, despite the fact that they had ignored every piece of advice I gave them. There’s only one sure-fire remedy I know of for this problem, and that is to insist on a higher rate of pay. People may balk at paying you through the nose, but when they have to—especially managers—they not only accept your advice, they seek it out, because for the money they’re paying you, they expect you to solve their problems.

3. Commoditization. That is, the devaluation of specialized knowledge. The most obvious manifestation of this disease is the company who outsources its development to a third-party contract shop in India or Mexico, and then wonders why the project is falling apart at the seams. A more insidious and pervasive symptom has employers and clients boil a job down to a long list of buzzwords, pattern-match résumés to those buzzwords, interview you to make sure you really do qualify for the buzzwords selected, and then look for the lowest price. And then they ask you to do everything under the sun, including those tasks that could be handled by a $20/hour contractor from Mexico. Instead, they ought to be looking for solutions to specific problems or for people to fill specific roles within the organization. For veteran jobs, that’s no longer about price, however, because if you’re specific enough, you’ll likely find only one or two qualified candidates, if you search for them, and whatever they want to charge you, you’ll pay. Again, the only sure-fire antivirus I know of is to demand a higher rate of pay, because for the money they’re paying you, they won’t treat you like a commodity.

4. Slipshod engineering practices. I am one of those programmers who actually believe software development is engineering. Many developers don’t believe in software engineering, or at most give it only lip-service. But software engineering is like gravity: you may not believe in it, but the result is the same when you step off that cliff. Developers who don’t believe in engineering experience bugs, hold-ups, overwork, and stress. To account for it, they blame the code, the programmers who worked on the software in the past, their development environment, the operating system… But they never do anything to fix it, because “we just don’t have the time.” Note, however, just because developers complain about not having enough time to fix the system doesn’t mean they’re using slipshod engineering practices. In fact, those developers who don’t complain are probably the worst offenders. Often, good developers complain about the code, but it’s really not that bad, because they’ve already fixed the worst parts of it, and the problems that are left just stick in their craws. These are the developers I’d love to work with. The quickest way I know of to assess the situation is to look at the code: Is it well-architected? Well-designed? Are there unit tests? If so, the team is probably using good engineering practices.

5. Neglect of quality. By “quality,” I don’t mean over-designed, fluffy, overly glitzy software. What I mean is, simply, software that works, that satisfies the customer’s needs, makes the customer swoon, has no bugs, does not constantly poke you in the eye—”See that?!” Ow! “See that?!” Hey! Cut that out! Quality is important, because it gives a team of engineers a sense of accomplishment, of pride, a healthy morale. And engineers who value quality will be professional, always improving their craft, always building better and better software. Again, a quick glance at the codebase should give some idea as to how highly the team values quality, because a quality team will use sound engineering practices. But you could also look at the finished product, and especially customer comments on the product and its support.

6. Black-and-white thinking. Frankly, I hate having my good ideas shot down with dismissive comments like: “Unit tests don’t catch every bug.” Yeah, but they catch more bugs sooner and cheaper than any other method of testing. Polarized, black-and-white thinking is actually a sign of depression, of hopelessness, of having given up. “My life isn’t perfect; therefore, I have no reason to live.” Sounds silly when put that way. But how many software teams are in a similar, self-imposed depression? “That technique can’t solve all our problems; therefore, it’s not even worth trying.” Almost every team has a naysayer, but such sentiments can cause actual depression in the more innovative among us, who actually want to better the team and its engineering practices. The antivirus is simple, if not easy: Early in working with a team, try to find one or two simple process problems and propose simple, direct solutions. Then sit back and see what happens. If you get a lot of hemming and hawing and ignoring and naysaying, think about whether you should split.

7. Focus on establishment. Humans have a natural need for stability and for camaraderie. That is, they need to feel like the floor is firm beneath their feet and that there are others on their side. But in some companies, these tendencies can become dysfunctionally pervasive. If you continue to do only what you’ve always done, only what everyone else is doing, you’ll always be safe from blame. But humans also innately need to do what they haven’t done before, to stretch their minds, to create. Because this gives one a sense of purpose. Rather than playing it safe, we should always be trying new things, and keeping those that work. But the dysfunctional company focuses on establishment, rather than on results. The antivirus is similar to that for black-and-white thinking. Early in the experience, try something new, and then see what happens. Do it early, before you develop an emotional investment in the project. It might even be best if the thing you try fails completely, because then you can see how the team handles failure. Even if your experiment fails, they should not make you feel like a failure for having tried it. If they do, think about whether you want to stay there.

8. Ignorance of modern research. Quick! Name at least 2 of the 9 teamwork-killers Tom DeMarco and Timothy Lister identified in their landmark work? It should be pretty easy, because they identified 7 of those 9 back in 1987. That’s what I mean by “modern.” Here’s another one: What 3 characteristics must a software team exhibit in order to have any reasonable chance of success, according to Alistair Cockburn in his research? Peopleware (2nd ed. 1999) and Crystal Clear’ (2005), for starters. This is what I mean by “modern.” Heck, we might as well even include The Mythical Man-Month in the list, because too many software engineers have never read it, either. At my next interview, while the development staff are quizzing me on my knowledge of Perl, PHP, and JavaScript, I’ll be sure to quiz them on their knowledge of Demarco and Lister, Cockburn, Schwaber and Beedle, Kent Beck, Michael Feathers—and of course, Frederick Brooks.

9. The blame game. Being caught in the blame game can cause stress, exhaustion, demotivation, and depression. It can also be the source of other maladies, such as black-and-white thinking, as engineers attempt to cope. Unfortunately, staffers don’t usually like to talk about the blame game, but a pointed interview question might reveal something. Something like: “Tell me about the last, big mistake someone made that cost the company money.” What was the fallout? Did anyone get yelled at? Fired? In a perfectly healthy organization, no matter how bad the error was, no one will have gotten yelled at; rather, it will just be accepted that everyone makes mistakes, because we’re all human, and the whole team will have looked at the process (rather than any particular person) to see how to avoid an analogous oops in the future.

10. Unrealistic expectations. I’m talking about the top-down variety here. Yes, engineers can—and frequently do—have unrealistic expectations of themselves. But that’s easily enough fixed. (Or at least I know how to fix it, with a bit of measurement, in my own estimates.) But I’m talking here about something different: Management wants such-and-such at such-and-such a date, and they won’t accept your promise that it simply can’t be done. When faced with such a situation, there are only 4 things you can do: Deliver less functionality. Take longer to deliver it. Reduce the quality (leading to delays because of unexpected bugs, and see #5 above—better yet, forget about sacrificing quality). Or spend more money (but adding people to a late project only makes it later—that’s Frederick Brooks, see #8 above). Management, under pressure, may not want to make real-world trade-offs, leading to overwork, demotivation, and depression for the engineers. Like the blame game, I don’t know any sure-fire way to discover this problem early on, because no one wants to admit to a new recruit that he’s walking into the lion’s den. But you might try asking about the team’s last overconstrained project or iteration, with a knowing, Columbo-esque gaze, and see if it prompts any reaction at all.

Current situation

I have not been blogging much of my own lately. Mostly just capturing things that interest me or will help me with my current situation or relate to my personal experience or describe my personal experiences.

Unfortunately, during the times of my most personal turmoil. I end up not writing.

Positive:

• I am actually using my gym membership. I actually go work out each lunch time. I disappear at 11:30 and return at 1:00.
• I am drinking decaf

Negative:

• Fugly and Snake apparently suggested to my Director that I am sexist. Ugh
• Had a meeting with the Director where he told me that he was hearing alot of complaints about me being combative.

Potential Solution:

I offered to move to another group. I explained that I am in a bad situation and the two of them are a team.

How do I feel about this solution:

Part of me likes it because I get to start over. Most of me hates it because I like the job and industry that I am in and do not want them to win.

Good people

Not blogging much. Too fuckin' busy....dealing with Fugly and Snake. But I think I almost have them out of my hair.

God they are annoying.

So secretive. BUT YET WANT THE WHOLE WORLD TO TELL THEM EVERYTHING....but only when everything has gone to shit. They value no ones hard work. All about their careers.

Yet, they seem to get ahead.

Only with good people. I remember a time when they had crap people and were drowning.

It is all about having good people. You got shit people. You are nothing but a bag of excuses for why things are failing. You got good people. You look great. Better treat them right or they will leave. If they leave...better have a back up.

Gemini's

Man...my anxiety is back in FULL swing!

Fugly is a Gemini. My mother is a Gemini. They go fucking bizerc and insane and extreme. That is what led to my anxiety. They take things to extreme. Punishments rarely fit the crimes they perceive against them. They are walking insecurity baskets.

Fugly decides to go to HR

OK, this is officially one of the worst years in my life.

This is insane.

Actually on the Isadora and Darryl side it is wonderful....minus the sex....and pregnancy.

However, my God!

Fugly...has decided to go to HR about me. We sent a big long exchange email. I wasn't heated...but BOY DID I PISS HER OFF.

She was trying to bully me...and I was like...tough...we wait until next week.

It was stupid.

I sent an email to my manager, who is still in Bahrain. I asked him to call me. I want out of this group. I like the subject but I hate two people. Actually not a big fan of anyone.

Snake and Christian are trying to calm her down. Christian understands my point and is siding with me. Snake is so biased and clueless.

She threatened HR. I am crazy to stay. I could fight but really what is the point. 2 against 1....I am fucked.

Needed to buy all my gym accessories....

Well, I started out for the gym.....then I realized...I didn't have towels...no problem...I will stop off at TJMaxx...then I realized I didn't have shampoo...no problem...I will stop off at CVS. Then I realized I didn't have my shoes....

TOMMORROW! I start tommorrow. My trunk is getting full of gym accessories.

I am back in my office. I miss the window seat. But I do enjoy the isolation....for awhile.

I am excited. This is what I wanted to do in 2004. Work, workout, go home. No stress. Then I got caught up in the whole world.

Returning to original world and staying out of trouble.

The bashful blatter nightmare

Bashful blatter is killing the men on the 14th floor. There is no barrier between the urinals. We can't focus. It is a nightmare. We are all standing at the urinals flushing like crazy hoping the sound of the running water will get us to go.

I have ultra bashful blatter...once I am locked in...I am locked in for an hour.

So, I am at home relaxing. Writing in my blog. God, I am so tired...but not really. I love my bed and I love my bedroom. Isadora has sworn it off until it is leveled....so let me get this straight...I get the bedroom all to myself...until the floor is level. Ummm...yeah.

If she was fun to share a room with...I would want to. But Isadora hates noise of any kind (TV, music). She hates sex. She hogs three quarters of the bed...3/4 of a massive king size bed.

Now I have a bed all to myself. If I am stressed I can wake up and masterbate. I can fall asleep to the TV. I can watch NetFlix movies with my speakers!

I am 260 lbs. I eat salad and fruit. I snack a little. I am 260 lbs. What the fuck! I am getting fat on air.

So...for $30, I joined 24 hour fitness next to work. Man...sales people suck! You better sign today or the deal will go away tomorrow. $9.00 initiation fee. Very good. There is a huge LA Fitness opening down the street from work too.

I AM GOING TO WORK OUT EVERY LUNCH!

I am going to lose weight! So I don't look like a fat beer bellied Chris Farley! For fuck sake...I hardly drink beer! I have a yogurt belly!

oooh, Jeff....I saved all my money. I studied hard to gain skills for a career. I sit in an office..unbeknownst to the world. Mounds of creativity wasting.

I will do!

I will lose 70 lbs and I will build the great blackberry application that will WOW the world!

I AM GOD!!!! I AM ONE WITH GOD!

Work late, work early

Ok, so I woke up at 4:30...but not to go swim...but to come to work. I left work at 12:00 am and didn't get to sleep until 1:30 am. Oy. I am hurting.

Looking after the company. Before I look after myself. Good one.

Does anyone care that I was here until 12:00 am. no.

At lease I am getting on a good sleep schedule if I go to bed at 8:00 pm tonight.

Weird observations on the 14th floor

The person next to me stares at the same spreadsheet all day long.

The person next to me shows up at 12:00 pm everyday.

There are no barriers between the urinals. I think that people come to this bathroom to stare at other people's pee pees.

There is a young person that constantly sits on his speaker phone for everyone to here. "Look at me everyone! I am important!"

Another person keeps referencing literary characters to describe people. "Who do you think you are...Jay Gatsby?!" I need to start doing that. "Who do you think you are...Atticus Finch?"

COMPLEXITY is good for the economy!

This accounting coding is hard! I am still sitting here trying to get through it! I change one thing...BOOM!

Swear to God! The entire legal and accounting industry is built on people making things so complex as to require more of them at higher salaries.

I am about to join the FLAT TAX coalition!

Although that would make the IT industry easier to learn...thereby lowering the skill level entry point...thereby lowering salaries...

COMPLEXITY IT IS! WE NEED MORE ACCOUNTING RULES AND LAWS AND LOOPHOLES TO KEEP THIS ECONOMY MOVING!

But this is bad for the shareholders. Think of the shareholder value of corporations if they could cut down their accounting and legal bills.

Fuck the shareholders! I don't own enough shares of anything to sustain me for any period of time.

What drives me nuts!

I hate stuff that keeps coming back to me after I thought it was done.

I hate not having enough time to do something.

Working my ass off

Well today I am getting through this stupid accounting program. The stupid accounting manager couldn't sit down and explain to me the accounting rules. So I had to ask everyone else how accounting works. Worst of all, she ran around telling everyone what an idiot I am.

This is how I get screwed.

Rule #1: Be the first to tell everyone that the other person is an idiot.

I have vastly simplified this procedure...but I have put a lot of other stuff on hold..because of it. So now everyone is going to be upset with me.

I really need to focus. I am working my ass off on little things.

Oops discovered I was missing a semicolon. Stupid me. Who gives a fuck. I mean really.

5 Things That Are Holding You Back in Life

If you recognize even one of these things in your own life you need to make a change before it is too late. And remember, we all have the power to make a change, even if it is the hardest thing in the world to do.

1. Fear
Fear is the number one thing that will hold you back in life. And fear comes in primarily two forms:

• fear of failure; and
• fear of success

People who have a lot of fear never end up achieving their goals in life because the are too afraid of what they might achieve or have to go through trying to bring about those achievements. Fear is a big one for me, I am still very afraid. I am afraid of success for the most part. And it is crippling.

Let me share a little example with you. Four years ago in India I was traveling with three friends, all from different parts of the world. We had the idea that we wanted to go and visit this great yogi who lived in the high mountains and we all agreed that it was a wonderful idea. Upon starting out on the journey, however, one person (a young American man) changed his mind and decided that the journey was too dangerous. We bid him farewell and continued on anyway and within two days we were sitting in this yogi’s personal quarters having been granted a private audience. Fear stopped our companion from experiencing something truly wonderful for this meeting has shaped our lives in many ways.

2. Attachment
The next thing that will hold you back is attachment. This attachment comes in many forms and it is extremely powerful as it is something that humans do very well. The downside, however, is that nothing good ever comes from attachment. It always causes suffering.

Take a look at yourself and see if you are attached to anything and then see whether that attachment is holding you back. You might be fond of your homeland, parents or current lifestyle and that fondness might be stopping you from moving forward. The great Buddhist master Gampopa said that if you want to be happy you need to leave your homeland as soon as you are able. Otherwise your life will be characterized by attachment.

3. Arrogance
Some of my relatives are extremely arrogant. They think they have all the answers about life and business and religion. The problem is they are all really unhappy. I strongly believe that if they just took a few minutes to get out of their own way they could begin to discover a lot more in life.

Never assume that you have all the answers. Always ask questions and keep a sense of curiosity. Even the most learned people like Albert Einstein and the Dalai Lama keep a sense of humility because they realize that there is still so much to be learned and discovered.

4. Dogma
Dogma is a very dangerous thing. It is where you become so blinded to a way of thinking that you are closed off to all other possibilities. It is where you accept something as fact without taking the time to really establish whether or not it accurate. And, like all things here today, dogma is holding you back in a big way.

Dogma, especially religious dogma, stops you from finding the real “juice” of the subject. When you are dogmatic about your religion you lose touch of the essence as you are so caught up in defending your own position, even to yourself. Religion, in its truest sense, is supposed to make you more open and spacious, not less. Avoid dogma if you want to grow internally.

5. Money
The quest to earn more money holds you back as much as anything does. The journey to be financially free has ruined more people’s chance at happiness than anything else. I honestly wonder how much better life would have been for my parents if they had spent their time learning about satisfaction as opposed to wanting something better. Perhaps their life would have been all the more fulfilling.

Don’t let money hold you back in life. If you find that you are putting work ahead of family, spirituality or other more genuine pursuits in life then you need to make a change. It will be a source of regret in the future.

Conclusion

Most of the time it is your own negative emotions that hold you back in life. The opportunities for happiness and success are out there, you just need to make sure you are willing and able to get them. If anyone has any other thoughts about things that hold us back in life please drop a comment and let us know.

Programming in the zone

Man, when I do lego and programming...it is like I leave this world. I go into my computer. I go into a place which is insulated from the world around me. It is nice. If people leave me alone. But it is nice to hang out with people. But right now I have overcommitted myself. The problem is that if you don't overcommit, things dry up pretty fast and then there are three weeks when you have nothing. I like to be a little overcommitted to keep the stress up and no work dry up....especially in this market. Although...who am I kidding..I would have a job in 5 seconds.

How do I go from being nonunemployable to a millionaire. I have talent and hard work. I don't have courage. I have courage. I am just not using it. I am coasting.